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Yes its sinking in.. Rank 40, CSE 2015.The UPSC circle- the close and the beginning.

Bagh-e-Bahisht Se Mujhe Hukam-e-Safar Diya Tha Kyun Kaar-e-Jahan Daraz Hai, Ab Mera Intezar Kar                      - Mohammad...

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Journey and the Destination.

I meet them everyday, waiting for an ear to narrate their unheard tales, tales of heaven and hell, dreams and hopelessness, valor and fear... I know I can’t go home, the home I dreamt of; and rest in two comforting arms, where I can embrace, touch, communicate.. and find my peace....
I got to stop on my way and listen to these unheard legends. They are waiting to become a part of my verses and ballads, my literary world. I can hear them calling out to me as if hailing-
“Hundred more years, you should live!”

And I know as long as I still can reach out and touch them; that I'll never die..
I'll LIVE forever....

I met this person on my way, so much like me and yet so different. I discovered his dreams and fears, listened to his side of the story and I could write an epic on him. And a dream buried in some shady corner of my heart comes alive. My home. My small and happy world! Walls of my colours, curtains of the type i love, doors and windows of the kind I want... where I would find peace, solace, tranquil, where there would be love, delight and radiance, where I could slow down and rest in those two comforting arms , where I can embrace, touch, communicate, where I feel blessed...

I thought I would never find a way, that I would probably never be able to answer what to choose- MY JOURNEY or MY DESTINATION?

And then I had a dream one night and I met God in my journey. He smiled at me and gave me something in my hand. It was a cross. And then God was gone. I looked around and I was alone. And then I felt an embrace round my waist . It was Him. So much like me and yet so different. I knew his dreams and fears, listened to his side of the story and I could write an epic on him....

And I know my answer.

This journey needs us.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Suggest a title.....

TO THE READERS: Please suggest a title, the first one which comes as you finish reading....

तुझसे दूर नहीं; तेरे पास नहीं स्पर्श तेरा; तेरा श्वांस नहीं
मिट मिट जो बने; बन बन जो मिटे ,कमज़ोर तेरा विश्वास नहीं।

हँसता था कभी चन्दन बनके,
आँगन में तेरे, वो स्नेह हूँ मैं
झुकता था तेरे श्रम पे वंदन बनके
तेरी राह पे जो, वो ध्येय हूँ मैं.

तेरा कल मै नहीं, तेरा आज नहीं पुण्य तेरा, तेरा पाप नहीं
बिक गया जो भेंट चढ़ा पल पल; कमज़ोर तेरा अनुराग नहीं.

बहता था कभी जीवन बनके,
तेरी देह में जो वो प्राण हूँ मैं
चढ़ गया जो पुष्प सुमन बनके,
मंदिर में तेरे बलिदान हूँ मैं...

जिसे तुने रब-सा पाया था,
जो सदा से तेरा हमसाया था।
जिसे खो के भी खो सकेगा तू,
तुझमे वो तेरा अभिमान हूँ मैं...

Thursday, November 25, 2010


I know.
'THEY' might not be indited
in these lines of fate
in my hands.
But My Faith in 'THEM'
and in YOU,

Shall make 'THEM' happen.

And till then,
I'll go on this way.
On this tough road.
With my Faith in You preserved.

And I know I'll win.
You'll not let me lose..

Will You???

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Tonight, With flames...

My Love.
The flames shall write a whole new story .
And I'll see.
How the waters extinguish,
What we shall write tonight....

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Air Returns.

The air returns..
Returns the closing November chill.
Returns the same obscurity of vision.
On cold winter dusks.
As I traverse the same damp roads again..

The air returns.
Returns the closing November chill.
Returns the same insatiable aching.
In lone winter nights.
And I still wander in these dark corridors.
To hear the whistle of the train...

And as the cold damp air tries to carress my face,
with an effort to penetrate inside.
I put back the shell, the veil.
And walk away.
For inside there breathes,
A spark in this heart.
Longing to survive.
Fighting the cold, the mist.
And I fear the winds...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Five Elements

I shall wait for the rest of my life.
For the moment.
The five elements I am made with.
Shall merge with Yours.

The Air.
The Fire.
The Water.
The Earth
The Sky.
Shall witness. Our Unison.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


My sanity.
Does not mean.
That I had been untouched by evil.
Or that the malice prevailing on the earth,
had not striked here...

It just means.
That I,
did not let it adhere...

And there is sanity in my heart.
As long as 'My Lord' dwells here.
And He shall desert me never...

Thursday, October 21, 2010


My forgiveness.
Does not mean.
That I have forgotten those tears.
Or those scars on my soul;
Do not bleed today...

It just means.

That the right to scar or to heal;

I had bestowed upon You,

I take away...

I Forgive You.
Not because You went on with the 'devil' inside.

But because, I still follow the 'Angel' in me...

Thursday, October 7, 2010


It was 'our' Festival.
'We' created.
'We' would nurture...
'We' would live its each moment...

It was 'our' festival.
To dawn upon 'Us' each year.
It was 'our' laughter.
'Our' Mirth.
'Our' belief...

It was 'our' festival.
And it dawns yet again.
But this time.
I stand here incomplete.
In the same air, the same ambience...
Under the same sky.
I wonder what has changed.
And Why....

All these years.
'WE' defined the festival.
The festival defines 'US'....

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


हर रोज़ ही नींदों में;
बचपन से मै मिलती थी जिससे;
माँ की सुनाई तू,
परियों की कहानी है...

Saturday, September 25, 2010

To complete YOU.

I shall never wish to keep You away from Your spirit, Your freedom.
Not even if I suffer each day from the fear of losing You.
When I see You free, chasing your spirit.
When I see You dream and stand by your convictions;
I find You complete.

And I wish to complete You.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ever Moment I find me.

For every moment I searched 'Joy' in the world.
I suffered.
My 'Joy' is here. In Me.
And it was always there.
It was waiting to find Me. And to guide me.

For every moment I tried to find 'Love' in the world.
I suffered.
My 'Love' is here.
In Me.

And it was always there.

It was waiting to find me.

And to embrace me...

Monday, September 20, 2010

I can see YOU in the dark...

I can see You in the dark.
I do not need Light.
They say.
In Dark.
All variations cease to exist.
And all differences perish...
I see your face clear.
In every 'body' I run through.
And Your Light.
In every soul I discover in this Dark..
I can see You in the Dark.
I do not need Light.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Acknowledgement.

If You could not be my Best Friend;
How had I loved You, this way that I do...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

On my 21st Bday.

September 11, 2010.
I turn 21. This makes me a big girl.:)
My last birth day at pantnagar. With these 'friends' whom I met as strangers 3 years back, and who gave me some of the most astonishing and memorable moments of my life.
Life's pretty stable for a change. And I shall cherish this birthday forever...
And I pray for the coming birthdays too, 'moments' to cherish, 'moments' to live...
Moments come, moments depart.
Moments leave 'memories' in the Heart.
Memories sweet, Memories sour.
Memories every second, every hour...
Today We're here; Tomorrow far...
But Feelings remain as they are...
And Feelings shall remain as they are...

Cheers to these moments and memories You bestowed on Me Lord.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

तू नूर है वो, तू वो 'सच' है; ये सूरज जिससे जलता है
चंदा जिसके उजाले से; खुद को रौशन करता है

बिखरे- से मेरे इन प्राणों में, फिर से अपनी आभा भर दे।
अपने जादू के शीशे पर; घिस दे मुझको ताज़ा कर दे...

तुने दी है खुदाई-सी मुझको, ये विरासत सलामत रखना सदा।
मुझे रखना संभाले खुद में यूँ ही
करना कभी मेरी जड़ से जुदा...

करना कभी मेरी जड़ से जुदा..

Monday, September 6, 2010


I wonder how You do this...
Whenever I'm down, dejected and in destitute.
When the wrongs in the world turn me cold, numb and mute.
When its at the lowest and I'm white...
searching for my hues.
Like a Prism.
Restore in Me.
My Innate Colors.
I wonder How You do this....

Sunday, September 5, 2010


They think, I shall always hate You for all You did and do.
To Me, To You, and to the world.

The shallowness.
The lies.
The hypocrisy.

But You never deserved Love.
How on Earth can You deserve Hate.

My Hate too,

As my Love.
Is too pure.
And You deserve it not.

Sunday, August 29, 2010


....she screamed at him, "Whyyyyyyyy? Why stranger.......... why you? Why..... when because of whom I am here, he never cared to bring down the walls.... why you?"For the last time his dying eyes met hers and he said ..................

I had Loved 'YOU'
And loved YOU pure.
And so.
I had been 'Chosen'.
Chosen to set 'YOU" free.
For I had cared to see too.
What Your Creator had seen for YOU.
A world beyond these walls...
And YOU had to see that world.

I was God's messenger.
His 'Angel'.
If all YOU could acknowledge Me.
My purpose is done.
The Walls I have broken.
You deny His purpose.
And MY Love.
My Sacrifice.

Go, Set Yourself free...

And that day the Man died. As much as I am told. And his ashes till today wander scattered in the world to reach people and to tell them to understand LOVE. TO BREAK PRISONS. TO SHED WALLS...

But I believe.
A day shall come soon.
To revoke life in Him.
And bless Him with his share.
And I trust.
The Prisoner shall choose her freedom.
has to be done justice with.

Friday, August 27, 2010


Each morning.
There is this one thing which keeps Me going.
Like fuel for my soul.
As bread for my body.
As prayer for my essence.

And that is.
This acknowledgement.
That in the other corner of this world.

'YOU' Like a Power.

Just Like Me.

Aware or unaware of My Existence.

Keep feeding this fire to go on...

And One day, I shall reach my Dream, my Desideratum...

And so every morning this one thing keeps Me going.

This acknowledgement.

That in the other corner of this world 'YOU' EXIST.


कितना मुश्किल है खुद ही खुद को सज़ा देना.
झूठ कहना उतना ही मुश्किल, जितना सच बता देना
खुद को खुद से जुदा, होने देना है
को खुद का खुदा, आज कर देना है

खुद को चाहत सिखा देना, नहीं है खुदगर्जी
को खुद से मिला देना, खुदा की है मर्ज़ी
खुद से खफा रहना, खुदा को खोना है
खोज खुद को, तुझमे खुदा तो होना है.

खुद को खुद से जुदा, होने देना है
को खुद का खुदा, आज कर देना है...
आज कर देना है...

Thursday, August 26, 2010


I have seen 'Them' playing with words.
I can play with words too.
But what the eyes have seen in these eyes.
Is true.
And shall remain here forever...
And what the heart has listened in this silence.
Is true.
And shall remain here forever...

I had needed in You.
A Friend, Philosopher and Guide.
But in You.
I found.
A Mirror.
I meet Me all over again.
Each day.
When I meet You.

And each day when I meet the mirror.
I meet You all over again...

Monday, August 16, 2010


जो लफ्ज़ ह्रदय में सांसें लें; पर बाहर नहीं आ पातें हैं।

जब लफ्ज़ वही अनजाने- ही; मुझसे आकर टकरातें हैं।

तो लफ्ज़ अमर हो जातें हैं।

है लफ़्ज़ों का संगीत सुना; दिल की खामोशी को छूकर।

जब यूँ सबकुछ कह जातें हैं; ये लफ्ज़ अचानक चुप होकर।

इन्हें मन में समा तुम लेते हो;

तो ये नगमा बन जातें हैं।

और लफ्ज़ अमर हो जातें हैं।

और लफ्ज़ भी टूटें हैं पल- पल; होकर हताश खुद को खो कर।

और लफ्ज़ झुकें हैं; हारें हैं; रब के आगे फिर चुप होकर।

जो तुम इनको मिल जाते हो;

तो लफ्ज़ दुआ बन जातें हैं।

और लफ्ज़ अमर हो जातें हैं।

और लफ्ज़ भी तडपे हैं पल- पल; परतों- से इस दिल में जमकर।

जमें इन लफ़्ज़ों के पर्वत को; कोई आंच न पिघला पायी पर।

जो तुम इनको छू लेते हो;

तो ये गंगा बन जातें हैं।

और लफ्ज़ अमर हो जातें हैं।

जब लफ्ज़ कहें 'अब लड़ना है', 'अब आग पर हंसकर चलना है.'

तेरी जन्म भूमि, तेरी कर्मभूमि; तुझको बहुत कुछ बदलना है...

जो तुम इनको बन 'कृष्ण' मिलो;

तो ये गीता बन जातें हैं।

और लफ्ज़ अमर हो जातें हैं।

Sunday, August 15, 2010

मै हर बार जनम लूंगी...

मै फिर जन्म लूंगी।

फिर मै इसी जगह आउंगी।

यें जो बिखर गएँ हैं लोग।

यें जो तोड़ रहें हैं देश मेरा।

यें विभाजित जिनके दिल हैं आज।

इन दिलों को मैं फिर से मिलाऊँगी...

मै फिर जन्म लूंगी।

फिर मै इसी जगह आउंगी...

हर ओरे द्वेष कि आग लगी; ये ख्वाब तो फिर भी पलता है।

सब प्रेम बदलते देखें हैं, यह 'प्यार' मगर न बदलता है।

यह प्यार है तुझसे देश मेरे; ये साथ मेरे मुझमे चलता है...

यह जो सो गएँ हैं लोग।

भ्रष्टता कि धुंध में खो गएँ है लोग।

बुराई कि आवाजों से हारकर चुप हो गएँ हैं लोग।

इनमे सोये उस रोष, उस आग को मै फिर जलाऊंगी।

मै फिर जन्म लूंगी।

फिर मै इसी जगह आउंगी।

जिस ओरे कदम मै रखती हूँ; भुखमरी गरीबी छायी है।

ट्रेनों के डब्बे उड़ायें किसने खेतों में आग लगाईं है।

नन्ही जानों को मसला है;

यें जो गुनाहों के कीचड में सन गएँ हैं लोग।

यें जो खुद से ही अजनबी बन गएँ हैं लोग।

यें जो नफरतों को फैला रहें हैं।

यें जो लोगों के घर जला रहें हैं।

इन्हें मैं।

फिर से प्यार करना सिखाउंगी।

मै फिर जन्म लूंगी।

फिर मै इसी जगह आउंगी।

जो राह चुनी है मैंने, वहाँ दूर दूर खारा सागर लहराता है।

फिर भी उस पार खड़ा कोई; मुझको खींच बुलाता है।

जब जब हताश हो हारू मै; मार्गदर्शक एक सितारा -सा।

कुछ है जो मुझमें मिल जाता है; जलता है, मुझे जलाता है।

मैं आज चलीं हूँ आग पे इस।

एक दिन यें सब भी आएँगे...

यें जो बिखर रहें हैं लोग।

यें जो तोड़ रहें है देश मेरा...

यें विभाजित हैं जिनके दिल आज।

इनके दिलों को मै फिर से मिलाऊँगी...

मै हर बार जनम लूंगी।

हर बार मै इसी जगह आउंगी....

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Sprouting LIFE.

It rained last night.
Inundating my soul.

Somehow it managed to penetrate so deep.

To wash 'it' all...

And sprouts this morning in me,

This life.

Innocent, tender and green.

And I am changed.

I had never in my life felt this before.

This 'tender life' in me, I had never realised or seen...

This tender 'life'.
Is not for prudence to smother.

Is not for any past or 'those people' to bother..

This life.

Is to grow...

To breathe, to bloom, to survive.

This 'life' is to set me free.
It is to tell me that I AM ALIVE...

Friday, August 6, 2010

The dawn is breaking.

"The Dawn is breaking.

And I know,

‘My star’ shall fade away soon."

I stood there, erect like a building, with my hands on the cold black iron railings of my previous corridor of my hostel. I stood there with a question. I stood there with a fear. But I stood straight this time. Straight and strong. Unlike the innumerable sleepless nights in dereliction which I had spent here. I was still sleepless, still full of uneasiness, but there was something which was guiding me now, and fixing me; an invincible power, a light, a Star… ‘My star’… It was quarter to five, three hours that I had been standing there looking at that gleaming star…

"The Dawn was breaking.

And I knew,

‘My star’ shall fade away soon."

I had spent on this corridor dark and cold nights, nights that would leave me wandering in sleeplessness and indelible fears … But last night was different.

It was heavenly.

It was mine. All mine.

It was like a miracle. A dream. A beautiful Dream.

I would run, get up from my torpor at some hour of the night and find myself at this very place of the corridor in search of one moment of peace; but I would find it not. I would look at the sky and darkness would ooze out from it. And my face had a kind of fatigue, a tormented weariness, a fear of a struggle against a thought, an idea, a moment- against something that cannot be conquered, that never rests…

But last night shone on this face, A Star. A Heavenly Star.

A Star miles away from me, still bathing me in its warmth.

As though ‘it’ had been waiting to guide me all these years. And to Love Me.

I could feel the Fire blazing in its core.

The Fire to lead this world.

The Fire to light the cosmos.

It was alone. It was dejected.

But ‘it’ was so full of Life.

And Love.

It kept guiding me all through this dark night.


Or knowingly perhaps.

But Unknowingly I was being entangled up into it.

And its light pellucid and divine.

And when it would say my name, and kept saying it in my ears;

It was peace. It was solace.

And it would touch me in my soul through its limpid light beam,

crossing light years of distance amidst us in that one ephemeral moment.

I did not ask it ever,

If it had come to shine for me forever;

If it had been waiting to guide me forever;

And to love me…


If it were a meager streak of light dispersed in the cosmos some light years back;

No longer in existence;

Playing with me…

An illusion.

A verisimilitude…

I did not ask it ever….

Nor will I do...

There is faith.

There is something so beautiful.

It is pure. It is innocent. It is sacred.

It keeps me bathed in its light of joy and freedom and purity…

It is like a dream

And now,

"The Dawn is breaking.

And I know,

‘My star’ shall fade away soon."

The dawn is breaking; a light shining through.

You're barely waken; and I'm entangled up in You...

I'm open. You're close. And I'll follow; You'll go...

I worry I won't see your face... Light up again...

And I worry If I won't hear you laugh and feel your pain...

The dawn is breaking.

And I know.

You 'My star' shall fade away soon...

But even in this new dawn, if I won't see You again;

I shall keep your light within my body, as pure as it is.

And my Faith in You preserved in my soul.


The path is tough.

And I'm moving.