You my home, reside in me.

My rhythm had known you from ages.
You were always here, 
and yet out of sight.
I am searching you each dawn and dusk 
in the layers of my soul
Come, dwell in me, 
be my home tonight.

"तेरा घर उस पार कहीं है और, 

इस पार कहीं घर मेरा है ...

मैं पर्वत-पर्वत,वादी-वादी,

नदिया-नदिया,घाटी-घाटी 
क्या  ढूंढ रहा? क्यों ढूंढ रहा? 

तूने घर मुझमें है लिया बना 

और यार तू ही घर मेरा है।" 

Picture: Clicked at himalayan trek, @on the way to doditaal, Uttarakhand, India

That innocence you think you lost.

" तेरी पलकों पे बैठा हुआ हूँ। 

तुझमें बचपन - सा रहता रहा हूँ। 

और तू पूछता है, कहाँ हूँ  ? "

If only you could take off your glasses,
You would find me flicker, dancing on your delicate eyelashes.
If only you could let go of those masks,
you would find me rise from inside you, from ashes.
Let me flicker, 
let me rise, 
let me dance.

P.S. - We seem to have lost it, dropped it somewhere. Stuck in hectic city lives, we  keep searching the premises of our own innocence, thinking that we left it back somewhere disowned, at some place..

Yes its sinking in.. Rank 40, CSE 2015.The UPSC circle- the close and the beginning.

Bagh-e-Bahisht Se Mujhe Hukam-e-Safar Diya Tha Kyun

Kaar-e-Jahan Daraz Hai, Ab Mera Intezar Kar

                     - Mohammad Iqbal.

(Why did You order me to quit the Garden of Eden? 

Now I have work to finish. Now you will have to wait for me.)

Yes, it has now started to sink in. What is it I think, this whole thing about getting an all India rank 40 in UPSC 2015? Well it is a feeling. A beautiful feeling. A powerful feeling. And why is it beautiful and powerful? Because, it strengthens that belief, a deeply held belief that whatever happens in our lives, is for a reason. And the reason is to make us grow, evolve and expand, learning from our failures and mistakes. The reason is always us.

It is beautiful and powerful because it makes me feel today, that I stand right between the end of a journey and the beginning of a new one. But the song remains the same. And there is so much of work to be finished in this new journey.

And lastly, it is beautiful and powerful because of the very manner it came to me. So, I ask myself, why after writing three mains previously and missing it so close every time? Why not then, and why now? But now I have the answer. When Dr. Kalam passed away, I was stirred to writing a post for him. It was not a post, it was everything I wanted to tell him whenever I meet him. I share the link here. (http://gazalbharadwaj.blogspot.in/2015/07/you-do-not-die.html)

Every time I found out I missed the list by 11, 35 and 9 marks respectively, I would read his same book, same pages, same words and put my pieces back, back to work. I quote his words here, because they are the answer-

When he missed his dream of being an air force pilot, scoring 9th position where as there were only 8 slots available, this is what he had to say- “walked around for a while till I reached the edge of a cliff” before deciding to go to Rishikesh and “seek a new way forward.”... Or when he was pushed to the edge by one of his mentors, “It is only when we are faced with failure do we realize that these resources were always there within us. We only need to find them and move on with our lives,”

Yes. This is it. This is the answer. This is what makes me feel beautiful and powerful today. It was there inside. God/ Nature/ Universe, whatever we may call that energy which empowers us wanted me to explore, to burn, to learn and to grow. If today in some parallel universe, I get the chance of an alternate timeline, I would still choose this long one. Because these four years have made me who you see today. These failures and learning to grow out of them have made me ready for the challenges that my job will require me to face tomorrow. I wrote the following words last year on my blog, and they fit so perfectly here today- 

"THE CIRCLE OF DREAMS

Its not about whether you will win or not. Its about what you win.

Remember, when you jump up,

you will also hit the ground.

And jump up again..

What would remain is-

The impact you made on the ground.

and the embrace on your cheek, of the air around."

(http://gazalbharadwaj.blogspot.in/2015/08/the-circle-of-dreams.html)

My blog has always been a story, my story. It has been my hiding place, my refuge, my abode. This is where the real me resides. And this moment, this part of my story I dedicate to Mum and Dad for giving me roots and wings and making me the free bird who loves to fly. And you ‘babybrother’ for being my friend and bearing with meJ. I love you all. And a big thank you hug. Here’s a song from boyzone I dedicate to you-

“You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again

You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me

And I can't believe it's you, I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave? I'd be a fool
'Cause I finally found someone who really cares
You needed me. Yes you needed me."

All I feel like saying is that there are two things battling with each other inside our mind- fear and love. If you want something, fall in love with it, and never ever give up on it. I feel like quoting something which always keeps me moving-

"I don’t think you understand who you’re dealing with! I have no limits! I cannot be contained because I’m the container. You can’t contain the container, man! You can’t contain the container! My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.” -Jim Carrey, Graduation speech at M.U.M. University.
_________________________________________________________ picture credits- Krittika Swamee.

I am attaching my marksheet here: Written total 748, Personality test 206, Board- Mr. P.K Joshi, Optional HISTORY(245)

RECENT: I HAVE POSTED A DETAILED PREPARATION STRATEGY OF HISTORY OPTIONAL HERE : http://www.insightsonindia.com/2016/05/20/optional-strategy-history-gazal-bharadwaj-rank-40-cse-2015/

I HAVE POSTED A DETAILED ESSAY STRATEGY HERE: http://www.insightsonindia.com/2016/05/25/essay-strategy-gazal-bharadwaj-rank-40-marks-jumped-74-cse-2013-147-cse-2015/

I HAVE POSTED A DETAILED PRELIMS STRATEGY HERE:
http://www.insightsonindia.com/2016/06/21/upsc-ias-prelims-strategy-gazal-bharadwaj-rank-40-cse-2015/

REGARDING INTERVIEW:
1. MY SUMMARY SHEET : https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9Zk4bMabIY2X0Z6S2hfb21LdWM/view?usp=sharing

2. INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT: My interview was mostly based on economics, for reasons I do not know. Thankfully, I had been well versed with it as I had taught economics after mains and also prepared it for my tiss hrm interview, so I could do justice with the questions. 

CHAIRMAN: Is there anything else you are doing?

CHAIRMAN: There is this inflation problem in India. Explain the causes behind it.

CHAIRMAN: What are the measures taken for the farm sector in the recent budget?

CHAIRMAN: What are the functions of the IMF?

CHAIRMAN: What is the difference between IMF and WB?

M1: The recent budget speech did not even mention properly the defence sector. Do you think it was right to do so?

M1: But still, if you cannot secure the borders, what farm security are we talking about?

M1: Have you read Madhushala?

M1: ok. Do you know who wrote it?

M1: Which poets do you like?

M1: You have participated in nukkad team. What is a nukkad?

M2: What are your views on Kashmir problem? Grilled on it via cross questioning.

M2: Is India a strong/weak/ medium state?

M3: Difference between fiscal deficit and current account deficit?

M3: How is money created in an economy?

M3: Impact of federal reserve’s decisions recently on Indian economy? Tapering, quantitative easing, currency devaluations etc

M3: problems of Indian exports?

M4: Your views on Railway budget?

M4: What is axle load? (grilled on it, as I didn’t remember it despite being a civil engg)

M4: What is troposphere?

M4:What is the difference between bod an cod?

Peace or freedom

Why do You cage yourself every time?
I know, you think, doing that can buy you some peace.
But you forget,
There can be no peace without freedom.
photograph borrowed from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/491525746807861568/

To this morning...

एक सुबह है यहाँ ,

इसमें आवाज़ है, क्या सुनी है?

ये आवाज़ एक हर जगह.... 

ओस से भीगती इन पत्तियों में ,
ये जो आवाज़ है।  

इन पक्षियों की सुबह की उड़ानों में,
ये जो एहसास है। 

एक सूरज निकलने लगा है,
तारे सभी, घुल रहे व्योम में

देखो सारी दिशाएँ मिलाने लगा, आसमाँ  है.… 

एक ठंडी हवा, छू रही है मुझे,

क्या तुझे भी अभी,
इस तरह से  कभी,
 इसने छुआ है ?

क्यों धुआं हैं यहाँ ?

क्या हुआ है यहां?

क्या मेरा आसमाँ, मुझसे नाराज़ है?

क्या ये मेरी ज़मीं, मुझसे नासाज़  है?

मै इसी का तो हूँ,

इसमें खो जाऊंगा... 

इसका हो जाऊंगा। 

आसमाँ जब मिलेगा धरा से,

कुछ बारिशों में कहीं,

हाँ इसी का तो हूँ ,

मै बरस जाऊँगा 

तुझमें बस जाऊँगा। 

तुझमें सो जाऊँगा 

तेरा हो जाऊँगा। 

Prism.

I wonder how You do this...

Whenever I'm down, dejected and in destitute.

When the wrongs in the world turn me cold, numb and mute.

When its at the lowest and I'm white...
searching for my hues.

YOU.

Like a Prism.

Restore in Me.
My Innate Colors.

I wonder How You do this....

Desideratum.

So long.
I had been wandering in destitude.
Gurgling aloud.
Foaming.
Shoaling.

I knew, You had to come.
I had waited so long.

Now, I shall sleep in peace;
invisible, unstirring and calm...

Because now,
There's nothing left in the world,
but
Your inexorable gleam.
your glitter.
Your elysian charm...

YOU.
MY STAR.
MY REFUGE.
MY DESIDERATUM.