'The Abode',as the dictionary says is a housing that someone is living in, your residence. I tend to question my childhood dream of an Abode-my small and happy world.
"Do i really want a residence where my travel would cease and i would get settled?"
"Does such an abode actually exist?"
"IF MY JOURNEY DEPRIVES ME OF 'MY ABODE',
I HAVE NO REGRETS!!"
"कुछ खोयी हुई, कुछ दबी हुई सीली, ठंडी, अनकही सभी - उड़ानों का - तू साखी है... जिनका लेकिन, मुझमें अब भी बस इक एहसास, बाकी है., हाँ बाकी है,,, उड़ जाता है, जुगनू की तरह, फिर क्यों ? मेरी पलकों से, तू यूँ - उजालों सा - पर घुला भी है, हर्फ़ों की तरह, फिर क्यों? मेरी आँखों में, तू यूँ - सवालों सा -
तू कौन है, तेरा नाम है क्या ?
तेरा मुझमें कहीं एहतराम है क्या ?
तू मिल जाए तो क्या होगा ?
घुल जाए मुझमे तो क्या होगा ?
क्या होगा ?"
ps: "The world made me cold.
You made me water.
Someday we'll be clouds"
- Ian Thomas
(The previous night a conversation reminded me of these three lines by Ian Thomas and they are still reverberating in my mind.)
Bagh-e-Bahisht Se Mujhe
Hukam-e-Safar Diya Tha Kyun
Kaar-e-Jahan Daraz Hai,
Ab Mera Intezar Kar
- Mohammad Iqbal.
(Why did You order me to
quit the Garden of Eden?
Now I have work to
finish. Now you will have to wait for me.)
Yes, it has now
started to sink in. What is it I think, this whole thing about getting an all
India rank 40 in UPSC 2015? Well it is a feeling. A beautiful feeling. A
powerful feeling. And why is it beautiful and powerful? Because, it strengthens
that belief, a deeply held belief that whatever happens in our lives, is for a
reason. And the reason is to make us grow, evolve and expand, learning from our
failures and mistakes. The reason is always us.
It is
beautiful and powerful because it makes me feel today, that I stand right
between the end of a journey and the beginning of a new one. But the song
remains the same. And there is so
much of work to be finished in this new journey.
And lastly, it is
beautiful and powerful because of the very manner it came to me. So, I ask
myself, why after writing three mains previously and missing it so close every
time? Why not then, and why now? But now I have the answer. When Dr. Kalam passed away, I was stirred to
writing a post for him. It was not a post, it was everything I
wanted to tell him whenever I meet him. I share the link here. (http://gazalbharadwaj.blogspot.in/2015/07/you-do-not-die.html)
Every time I found
out I missed the list by 11, 35 and 9 marks respectively, I would read his same
book, same pages, same words and put my pieces back, back to work. I quote his
words here, because they are the answer-
When he missed
his dream of being an air force pilot, scoring 9th position where as there were
only 8 slots available, this is what he had to say- “walked around for
a while till I reached the edge of a cliff” before deciding to go to Rishikesh
and “seek a new way forward.”... Or
when he was pushed to the edge by one of his mentors, “It is only when we are faced with failure do
we realize that these resources were always there within us. We only need to
find them and move on with our lives,”
Yes. This is it.
This is the answer. This is what makes me feel beautiful and powerful today. It
was there inside. God/ Nature/ Universe, whatever we may call that energy which
empowers us wanted me to explore, to burn, to learn and to grow. If
today in some parallel universe, I get the chance of an alternate timeline, I
would still choose this long one. Because these four years have made me who you
see today. These failures and learning to grow out of them have made me ready
for the challenges that my job will require me to face tomorrow. I wrote the
following words last year on my blog, and they fit so perfectly here
today-
"THE CIRCLE OF
DREAMS
Its not about whether you
will win or not. Its about what you win.
Remember, when you jump
up,
you will also hit the
ground.
And jump up again..
What would remain is-
The impact you made on
the ground.
and the embrace on your
cheek, of the air around."
My blog has always
been a story, my story. It has been my hiding place, my refuge, my abode. This
is where the real me resides. And this moment, this part of my story I dedicate
to Mum and Dad for giving me roots and wings and making me the free bird who loves
to fly. And you ‘babybrother’ for being my friend and bearing with meJ. I love
you all. And a big thank you hug. Here’s a song from boyzone I dedicate to you-
“You gave me
strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high
upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
And I can't
believe it's you, I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave? I'd be a fool
'Cause I finally found someone who really cares
You needed me. Yes you needed me."
All I feel like
saying is that there are two things battling with each other inside our mind-
fear and love.If you want
something, fall in love with it, and never ever give up on it. I
feel like quoting something which always keeps me moving-
"I don’t
think you understand who you’re dealing with! I have no limits! I cannot be
contained because I’m the container. You can’t contain the container, man! You
can’t contain the container! My soul is not contained within the limits of my
body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.” -Jim
Carrey, Graduation speech at M.U.M. University. _________________________________________________________picture credits- Krittika Swamee. I am attaching my marksheet here: Written total 748, Personality test 206, Board- Mr. P.K Joshi, Optional HISTORY(245)
When there is no rainbow in the pellucid sky, I shall create one. By sprinkling fresh water droplets on the Sun...
Monday, January 25, 2010
I had never lost them. They were indited in me, from the very beginning. Even when one odd day I found I was over, 'they' were operating within, imbuing me with an invincible desire to go on.. My colours survived the dark.. They could not perish in the dust that had scattered the ashes of the unextinguished hearth of my soul. Today they rekindled the fire that once ‘lived’ and ‘loved’… They gave me the strength to vanquish those fears… to break those walls…
And even when my being shall come to an end and life would close, My ineffable hues shall pervade…
This is one of the sketches i drew during my post laser surjery period in january. and many more... fifteen black and white days restored in me my innate 'colors'...
COLORS
It had been just two days after my eye surgery. I had just returned from Ambala the previous evening, and two days of nothingness were enough to blow the hell out of me. I had another 15 days to go during which I could not read or write, watch computer or tv screen or even look at my mobile screen; these are the some post laser surgery precautions you see!
It had been two and a half months of running away from the things I did not want to face. All these days I had kept myself absorbed into my English and history books apart from my daily B.tech schedule; but now these 15 days I was all alone, all by myself and a black and white world. i was afraid. afraid to face myself and that unsatiable void that had now become a part of me forever...
My friends had been taking good care that I do not feel lonely and would make frequent calls. I had just got up an hour ago and my throat was still full of the foul taste of my eye drops. My mind had become a battlefield. Whole of my past two and a half years were flashing in my mind and would come to halt at that one devastating moment as a song gets stuck in a gramophone record. “STOP!” I almost shouted in fear, when there was a phone call from a friend. I pressed the button to take the call. The sensation of touch is perhaps the greatest of all five human senses; as when you’re deprived of any of the four, it fills up the gap.
“It’s getting over me. I can’t bear any more. I can’t bear this nothingness. Can’t read, can’t write.. can’t do anything! Hell. It’s killing me…” I broke off. Even this one consoled me as all my friends would, in there respective calls and visits. But this one came up with something else too. Something different. Something which struck the chord.
“ Why don’t you do this Gazal?” He came up with this suggestion, “ask someone to get some A4 sheets for you and some colors, and whatever comes in your mind, just take it out on paper. If you can’t write, you can obviously draw…” “ Draw without seeing what I’m drawing?” I protested instantly.
“Yupp. That’s a technique you see to dig out the things we often put at some shady corners of our mind. When you get well, check out your drawings and interpret what they say. They’ll tell you everything about you in these 15 days. You’ve got a good chance Gazal. Go on… talk to yourself. Colors speak...” He exclaimed.
“I fear… I don’t want me to go back to that… And I know this technique of yours would pull it all out. I don’t want to… I’m afraid…” I whispered hesitatingly.
“Now don’t say that to me!” he scolded back, in his same familiar tone. “ That’s not all you have in you! There’s so much more. Your passion, your spark, your dreams, your colors… Try it… And they’ll all come out.."
He had reached his grandma’s residence. We ended the conversation. But something within me went on. “Should i?” or “Should I not?”
I called up Geetika. She was to come to meet me in the evening.(And she was coming with a pizza, as she had promised!). I asked her to also get a sketch book and a pack of crayons for me… And this is how it began….
I just scribbled with whatever came to my mind. And then when i could see partly after a week, faired my scribblings a bit and added on to them... I was amazed. My friend was right. Colors speak..
COLORS SPEAK IT ALL...
When a soul draws you close...
When a Father feels his shadow... (the 'father' who stands patiently when you come running to hug your mother on getting a prize, he keeps looking at you with the same satisfaction and 'awe' with which he first felt and touched you...)
This was not just a post 'the 3 idiots' hangover, but much more...
And the best part, this friend who had advised me to do this secretly disappeared for about a week. No contact at all. Cell switched off. I got worried. Later on told me He had gone on a 'one week exile' which he really needed. As for me I feel His exile did me good for probably God wanted my sketches to speak it all..
Aye Zindagi….. This is not my favorite song. Yet, its very special for me, and so, it deserves to be a part of this post in my blog. Though, it was always there in my heart as well as in my music collection, since the time the music of the movie ‘Filhaal’ was released; but a few days before, it just came back to me, and so, I share it here…
Aye zindagi! Yeh lamha jee lene de! Ho… Pehle se likha, kuch bhi nahi, Roz naya kuch, likhti hai tu. Jo bhi likha hai, dil se jiya hai, Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de. Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de. [Oh life! Please let me live this moment! Ho… Nothing has been written from before, Every day you write something new for me. Whatever has been written, I have lived it all with my heart. Please, let me ‘live’ this moment I am in.]
Masoom si hansi, bewajah hi kabhi, Honthon pe khil jati hai. Anjaani si khushi, behti hui kabhi, Saahil pe mil jati hai. Ye anjaana sa darr, ajnabi hai magar, Khubsoorat hai, jee lene de… Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de.
[Sometimes without any reason, an innocent smile blooms on my lips. I often encounter a happiness whose source is unknown to me, swimming at the shore. This unknown fear I have, is really unfamiliar to me. But, its beautiful, let me live it… Please, let me ‘live’ this moment I am in.]
Dil hi mein rehta hai, aankhon mei behta hai, Kachcha sa ek khwab hai. Lagta sawaal hai, shayad jawab hai, dil phir bhi betaab hai… Yeh sukoon hai, toh hai Yeh junoon hai, toh hai, Khubsoorat hai jee lene de. Yeh lamha ‘filhaal’ jee lene de.
[It resides in my heart, it swims in my eyes, This dream, which has not yet fully developed. It appears as a question to me, but may be it is an answer, But my heart is still desperate… If this is solace, then, yes it is. If this is passion, then yes, it is. But, its beautiful, please let me ‘live’ it. Please let me ‘live’ this moment I am in.]
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