I had never lost them. They were indited in me, from the very beginning. Even when one odd day I found I was over, 'they' were operating within, imbuing me with an invincible desire to go on..
My colours survived the dark..
They could not perish in the dust that had scattered the ashes of the unextinguished hearth of my soul. Today they rekindled the fire that once ‘lived’ and ‘loved’…
They gave me the strength to vanquish those fears… to break those walls…

And even when my being shall come to an end and life would close,
My ineffable hues shall pervade…




This is one of the sketches i drew during my post laser surjery period in january. and many more... fifteen black and white days restored in me my innate 'colors'...

COLORS

It had been just two days after my eye surgery. I had just returned from Ambala the previous evening, and two days of nothingness were enough to blow the hell out of me. I had another 15 days to go during which I could not read or write, watch computer or tv screen or even look at my mobile screen; these are the some post laser surgery precautions you see!

It had been two and a half months of running away from the things I did not want to face. All these days I had kept myself absorbed into my English and history books apart from my daily B.tech schedule; but now these 15 days I was all alone, all by myself and a black and white world. i was afraid. afraid to face myself and that unsatiable void that had now become a part of me forever...

My friends had been taking good care that I do not feel lonely and would make frequent calls. I had just got up an hour ago and my throat was still full of the foul taste of my eye drops. My mind had become a battlefield. Whole of my past two and a half years were flashing in my mind and would come to halt at that one devastating moment as a song gets stuck in a gramophone record. “STOP!” I almost shouted in fear, when there was a phone call from a friend. I pressed the button to take the call. The sensation of touch is perhaps the greatest of all five human senses; as when you’re deprived of any of the four, it fills up the gap.

“It’s getting over me. I can’t bear any more. I can’t bear this nothingness. Can’t read, can’t write.. can’t do anything! Hell. It’s killing me…” I broke off.
Even this one consoled me as all my friends would, in there respective calls and visits. But this one came up with something else too. Something different. Something which struck the chord.

“ Why don’t you do this Gazal?” He came up with this suggestion, “ask someone to get some A4 sheets for you and some colors, and whatever comes in your mind, just take it out on paper. If you can’t write, you can obviously draw…”
“ Draw without seeing what I’m drawing?” I protested instantly.

“Yupp. That’s a technique you see to dig out the things we often put at some shady corners of our mind. When you get well, check out your drawings and interpret what they say. They’ll tell you everything about you in these 15 days. You’ve got a good chance Gazal. Go on… talk to yourself. Colors speak...” He exclaimed.

“I fear… I don’t want me to go back to that… And I know this technique of yours would pull it all out. I don’t want to… I’m afraid…” I whispered hesitatingly.

“Now don’t say that to me!” he scolded back, in his same familiar tone. “ That’s not all you have in you! There’s so much more. Your passion, your spark, your dreams, your colors… Try it… And they’ll all come out.."

He had reached his grandma’s residence. We ended the conversation. But something within me went on.
“Should i?” or “Should I not?”

I called up Geetika. She was to come to meet me in the evening.(And she was coming with a pizza, as she had promised!). I asked her to also get a sketch book and a pack of crayons for me…
And this is how it began….

I just scribbled with whatever came to my mind. And then when i could see partly after a week, faired my scribblings a bit and added on to them... I was amazed. My friend was right. Colors speak..

COLORS SPEAK IT ALL...


When a soul draws you close...

When a Father feels his shadow...
(the 'father' who stands patiently when you come running to hug your mother on getting a prize, he keeps looking at you with the same satisfaction and 'awe' with which he first felt and touched you...)

This was not just a post 'the 3 idiots' hangover, but much more...

And the best part, this friend who had advised me to do this secretly disappeared for about a week. No contact at all. Cell switched off. I got worried. Later on told me He had gone on a 'one week exile' which he really needed. As for me I feel His exile did me good for probably God wanted my sketches to speak it all..

And they did...

For colors speak...

Those brown twinkling eyes...

With this post, I intend to discover the change that creeps in the vision of a child of seven to a young girl of nineteen. As a child, I always loved the night sky, and I would spend a lot of time observing it. And, though I love it still, but a change has crept in ‘the vision’ of my two brown twinkling eyes… and this change encompasses the truth that all elements of the universe have a common soul and are connected… happy reading…

Those brown twinkling eyes...

Those pair of brown twinkling eyes would observe daily, The vast sapphirine night sky. Without an inch of ennui or tedium, they surveyed it daily. They knew every change it made. They were aware of its ineffable hue, of the glimmer of the innumerable stars it held, of the gleam of the countless constellations and galaxies it possessed, they knew it all. There would be something in those eyes, I’ll like to mention. An innocence. An enchantment. A spark. A dream. But, something else too… something like clouds heavy with unshed rain, something so overwhelming, that it would overpower itself and make the lips cry aloud to the vast unsuggestive blue-

“You are so beautiful. I wish I was a part of your world!”Today, those eyes are twelve years older. But, they’re still brown. They still twinkle. They still have that enchantment and gleam, that spark, that dream. Just two days back, when I made a very crucial decision of my life, those two brown twinkling eyes took me, after a long time to the topfloor of my house; and I got reminded of those childhood days of mine.

I stood there holding the railing with my warm hands, gazing at the night sky. A blast of a strange neutral air blew towards the east; the east which harbours both day and night, light and dark, hope and despair. I had just taken a decision. And a big one. I was at peace now. The breeze blew swifter. My hair and the blue gown I was wearing drifted me ahead. I felt myself borne onward along a mighty current whose source seemed to be in the very beginning of things. I was flying. Flashed before those two brown twinkling eyes pictures of the past; when I had learnt to ride a bicycle, when I had scored a hundred in a subject for the first time, when I had sent a gift to a friend as an acquaintance so as to see her smile, when I was declared my school topper, the investiture ceremony, the shields… everything was as fresh before me as it was then, years back. My heart pounded with joy.

And then, as the breeze touched my ears, I heard a melody, a melody on the guitar… a memory brimmed those two brown eyes and they burned with tears. I was crying. Those tears trickled down to my palm, by and by, and in few moments my palm was full of drops of those crystalline tears. I saw a glitter on my palm. It was a glitter from my tears which shone brighter than the Sirius, The Ursa Major, The Orion. I was reminded of all the stars and constellations I had seen till now. There was a twinkle again in those wet brown eyes. And there was something else too; something so overwhelming, that it overpowered itself and made the lips cry aloud to the vast unsuggestive blue-

“ I am so beautiful. You are a part of my world.”

As I said this, I felt my heart shone, as now it contained the sky in it. The light inside me was more illumined than the limpid moonlight that shone on my body. It was richer, more solemn, more significant and holy.

I lifted my face up to see the enormous azure sky.

Those two brown twinkling eyes now contained him, The Sky.

Aye Zindagi...

Aye Zindagi…..
This is not my favorite song. Yet, its very special for me, and so, it deserves to be a part of this post in my blog. Though, it was always there in my heart as well as in my music collection, since the time the music of the movie ‘Filhaal’ was released; but a few days before, it just came back to me, and so, I share it here…


Aye zindagi! Yeh lamha jee lene de!
Ho…
Pehle se likha, kuch bhi nahi,
Roz naya kuch, likhti hai tu.
Jo bhi likha hai, dil se jiya hai,
Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de.
Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de.

[Oh life! Please let me live this moment!
Ho…
Nothing has been written from before,
Every day you write something new for me.
Whatever has been written, I have lived it all with my heart.
Please, let me ‘live’ this moment I am in.]

Masoom si hansi, bewajah hi kabhi,
Honthon pe khil jati hai.
Anjaani si khushi, behti hui kabhi,
Saahil pe mil jati hai.
Ye anjaana sa darr, ajnabi hai magar,
Khubsoorat hai, jee lene de…
Yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de.

[Sometimes without any reason, an innocent smile blooms on my lips.
I often encounter a happiness whose source is unknown to me, swimming at the shore.
This unknown fear I have, is really unfamiliar to me.
But, its beautiful, let me live it…
Please, let me ‘live’ this moment I am in.]

Dil hi mein rehta hai, aankhon mei behta hai,
Kachcha sa ek khwab hai.
Lagta sawaal hai, shayad jawab hai,
dil phir bhi betaab hai…
Yeh sukoon hai, toh hai
Yeh junoon hai, toh hai,
Khubsoorat hai jee lene de.
Yeh lamha ‘filhaal’ jee lene de.

[It resides in my heart, it swims in my eyes,
This dream, which has not yet fully developed.
It appears as a question to me, but may be it is an answer,
But my heart is still desperate…
If this is solace, then, yes it is.
If this is passion, then yes, it is.
But, its beautiful, please let me ‘live’ it.
Please let me ‘live’ this moment I am in.]

This moment is life! I’ll live it.