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Yes its sinking in.. Rank 40, CSE 2015.The UPSC circle- the close and the beginning.

Bagh-e-Bahisht Se Mujhe Hukam-e-Safar Diya Tha Kyun Kaar-e-Jahan Daraz Hai, Ab Mera Intezar Kar                      - Mohammad...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

To 'My Institution' which lies disintegrated...

To My Abode...
Past some days had been rough, and very rough; strong enough to stir a person’s ideals. Sleepless nights, gasping voices, impeding efforts and hindrances, unanswered questions and incertitude, anger, rage and indignation… and five make ups too.. :)

I had known deception, false hopes, betrayal and untrust. I had seen people being carried away and taking wrong decisions. I had seen their guilt and unrest, but still making no effort to get rid of the same. I had also known those who still lived in their cosy world of false illusions and egoism. But what was making me mad with anger was that my institution of love and cooperation was disintegrating. Months back, there was this tiny crack in my abode, a crack through which I thought only a trickle of water can pass. I never had the slightest of idea that soon that trickle would bring down the whole structure and then no one would be able to control the forces of the current. The time is now. The place whose not one glance could I miss makes me feel suffocated today. The air in it seems to be charged with the cruel chill of helplessness, with the pitiless anger of egoism against the incompressible form of an intruding pain.

Applauds, praising tones, ovations, grotesque voices, ‘their’ blames and complains, those hateful glances, the trauma, the fatigue, the tormented weariness, the anger and fear of that struggle, those shadows unconquerable….. “Stop!’ I shouted in pain as the delirium broke off. I got up from my bed, still shivering and just ran out of my claustrophobic room.

I was at the passage following the corridor. Darkness oozed out from between the trees and buildings, through the tangled maze of creepers.

“Why this anger?” I asked myself.

“For whom? Those pitiable creatures who live in unbelief; to whom day is day and night is night; nothing more, nothing less; because they understand all things seen and despise all else! Let them live with their illusions. God Knows better. He’ll let them know one day. He has been with me all these days, turning out that disastrous night into one of the most mighty and miraculous nights of my life. He’s been with me all through my life, strengthening my ideals of love, faith and perseverance. Anger was never a part of them. Then why today???”

It was 2:00 am at night and I was standing at the open grilled passage following the corridor of my hostel. A blast of cold air rubbed my face, caressing my brown hair. A shaft of limpid moon beam darted into my body as though I were a bay caged between the summit of hills. The bright beam stirred the waters of my soul and I broke out as if by magic into a dazzling sparkle.

I thought of my wanderings all these past disturbing days, of that obscure odyssey of revenge and indignation, of all the people who like me wander among such illusions, faithful, faithless; of the illusions that give them joy, that give them sorrow, that give them pain, that give them peace; of these invincible illusions which drive them far away from what they were…

“This is not me…. This is not me….” I whispered to myself...

PS: My abode is still dear to me, as dear as it was 2 years back when it gave me shelter; even more. Feel sad to see whats happening round. But all we can do is play our parts, and play them selflessly... In the end, its between me and 'My Abode'....


  1. felt great while reading it...gr8 going gazal...u r a fighter...i dont knw whether 2 cmmnt on ur writin or the emotions it potrays...well i m pray 4 ur brighter future...luv u jamun

  2. mere 6 makeups hai
    load mat le

    tension lene ka ni dene ka...kya!!!

  3. same here.. all that u hv written .. same here..

  4. cn undrstnd n feel all that u've written.
    hv faith..ur(ours) abode is nt tht week :)

  5. Its gud to see you are breaking the shackles of anger and negativity ,though slowly. We all understand it takes time, but keep going.... We all trust you... and at the end it will be the faith that will emerge victorious and the Abode will be saved.... all the best!!

  6. hey gazal .....nicely writ ...grt thoughts,awesome collection of words ,true expression of emotions .....
    ....u r a grt writer ....i love the way u put up ur thoughts ...while reading ur posts i felt everythin ya hav written materialising in front of me ...............keep up the good work ...


  7. i am not sure what was actually going in your mind while writing it(or was it simply killing of time :P)anyways...sometimes one should be patient and keep on having full trust in one's belief(in love,destiny etc.)no matter one feels it around or not ...btw keep on scribbling

  8. @kaivalya well its not simply killing of time. it never is. for everything has a purpose...
    this was just a vent to express some bottled up frustrations...

    Very Nice